I'm trying to find a way to let myself relax with all the tension I build up on my own. So maybe, I thought, writing them down could help. Who knows, this could be not only my first, but my last writing in this thing. We'll see.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone here. Maybe not that I 'cannot' talk, but that I don't want to talk. I am so sick of everyone here, I feel embarressed. I have convinced myself that no one here will understand what I want to say, and have something worth listening to, to reply. Maybe outside of here, there is hundreds of people with open ears and great minds that I can finally open up to. I want to have a interesting conversation. A deep conversation. Not just making an attempt and not getting it. A serious, detailed, deep conversation. About anything at all. Just something I can keep my mind on and interested in. It's rediculous how I feel I can't do so here. I want to leave so bad. I just need to. It's hard to think I have another year left of high school before I can pack my bags and get out of this town.
Now with this quick getaway plan I have, I will surely need somewhere to be my destination. But where? I have confused myself more than ever trying to decide where I want to end up after this chapter has closed. What type of atmosphere do I want to surround myself in? What area will have the best places for me to enjoy myself, and meet the type of people I am looking for? What type of people am I even looking for? My mind has played me so well, I now have no ideas whatsoever on what I want.
Now I have met people who have caught my interest, but those people are not my 'friends.' The are simply aquaintences I only wish would be willing to get to know me more as much as I'd like to them. They are older kids, in college. And sometimes I feel as if they look down on me as the little baby that I am. But I'm not a baby. If people wouldn't look at a person as of their age, or judge a person on how they 'seem,' maybe they would be better friends of mine. But honestly, I don't think I will ever know if that is true.
There is only one person who I have been blessed to become friends with, and I can't explain the words to how much it means to me. She will listen to me, and offer advice. She is smart, mature, and very driven. We are very alike, and I think that's why we mesh so well. We don't say it too much, but we know that we are the best of friends. And I have a feeling that we will be friends for a very long time.
Looking back on this, I feel as though I have rambled on quite too much. If any of my 'friends' saw this, or read this, it would be rediculous how 'weird' they would think I was. Which is hard to deal with. Judgemental, catty, girls. The girls I have called my best friends since I was little. It's strange to see how they have grown up to be, and how I have. Especially with the fact that I have been by their side all these years. Shouldn't that mean I should have grown up to be similar to them? Who knows. What I do know, is that I am glad I haven't. And eventually, I will be glad with the person I am becoming as each day teaches me some new way to grow and mature.
